Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

When you rent a flick with a title like this, you sort of know what you're in for - a campy good time with a heaping helping of blood and boobs. In a way, it's like Airplane! A silly send-up of the genre, full of ridiculous lines delivered with total seriousness.

Private dick Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) narrates the film. He's the gumshoe detective who handles this extraordinary case.

It begins at a seedy bar. A construction worker from Seattle named Bo Hanson (Jimmy Williams) meets a prostitute named Mercedes (Michelle Bauer).

Mercedes: "What you need is some TFC to calm you down."

Bo: "What the hell is TFC?"

Mercedes: "Tender F---ing Care"

Mercedes and Bo go to her place and she puts on an Elvis record.

She gets turned on by the music and starts taking off her dress.

Mercedes removes her panties.

Oddly enough, Mercedes goes into her drawer and pulls out a plastic tarp.

She uses the tarp to cover up her Elvis poster. She says, "Sometimes I just get carried away."

Mercedes' bizarre activity continues as she puts on a shower cap.

She politely asks Bo if he wants one. He declines.

After a bit of foreplay, Bo closes his eyes and yells "Take me to heaven!" He then sees Mercedes with a chainsay. She yells, "Your wish is my command!" then cuts him to pieces.

Jack Chandler is on the case. Chandler meets with the police chief, steals some critical evidence (a matchbook with Mercedes' name and number) and is hot on the trail of the killer.

We next find Chandler in a motel with his girlfriend Sally (Susie Wilson) passed out on top of him.

Chandler can't reach his cigarettes so has to move her off of him. He doesn't exactly do it gently, but Sally still doesn't wake up.

"Sally was out like a light. The night was still young so I decided to get back to work. Being a dick is a 24 hour a day job."

Sally suddenly wakes up and starts cussing him out - which doesn't at all match Chandler's narration, saying she was in tears, sad to see him go.

Meanwhile, at the other end of town, call girl Lisa (Esther Elise) is at the home of an eccentric customer named Herman (Fox Harris).

Herman wants to take nude pictures of Lisa.... so he can put them in his calendar to advertise his product - baseball bats. "Little leaguers just love 'em." She agrees, saying, "Okay Hermie, your ballgame."

Lisa hits Herman with the baseball bat, then proceeds to chop him up with a chainsaw.

Jack Chandler uses the matchbook to head to the seedy bar where he sees Samantha (Linnea Quigley) the missing girl he's been searching for:

"I looked over at the little number on stage. She was shakin' it pretty good, even if no one was watching. .... You could have knocked me over with a pubic hair. There she was: Samantha Kelso, humpin' it out on stage for anyone who could stick a buck down her pants."

Chandler meets Mercedes who drugs his drink. "I guess I shoulda been lookin' at the glass instead of the ass. That'll teach me."

When Chandler wakes up he's in a room with a girl named Ilsa (Tricia Burns).

Ilsa is joined by Samantha and Mercedes. "If my head wasn't hurtin' so much, I'd have sworn I was in heaven..... heaven for guys that like big tits."

Gunnar Hansen enters the room and instructs Ilsa to get on top of him. He reveals that this is actually an ancient chainsaw worshipping cult. Chandler responds, "Oh,yeah. What do ya do - pray to Black & Decker?"

Mercedes and Ilsa are excited to cut Chandler to pieces, but the gas runs out on the chainsaw. The cult members head to the 7-11 to get fuel.

He's left guarded by Samantha. Once alone, Chandler learns that Samantha is actually infiltrating the cult herself as revenge for the murder a friend in Oxnard.

She unties Chandler,but won't escape with him. Chandler has a job to do - to get Samantha back home safe to her family. So, he headbutts her. She's knocked out, and Chandler carries her back to his place.

Samantha wakes up and wants to go with Chandler to the temple of the chainsaw worshippers.

They both are quickly captured - then confronted by Mercedes and Lisa.

Samantha is injected with a mysterious serum containing "The Blood of Our Ancestors". When Samantha says Samantha 'Ouch!' Mercedes responds with, "Oh, come on. I'm sure you've been stuck by worse than that tonight."

The cult holds their black mass and Samantha is under the influence of the drug. She does "The Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws"

But Samantha turns on the cultists, carving them up with her chainsaw.

When the police arrive they find Chandler making out with Samantha.

Chandler: Glad you could make it. You're a little late. What took ya so long?

Chief: Letterman was on. He had some pretty damn good guests.

Chandler: I don't know how many times I have to tell you. Buy a VCR. You can tape those things. Crime rate in this town will probably go down ten percent.

VZ6 SCORECARD

I have a special place in my heart for this film because it was one of the first VHS I rented which had that campy sexy flair, and honestly got me into these types of films for decades to come. At the time, I didn't know the names of Linnea Quigley or Michelle Bauer, but my friend and I were still very much impressed.  Rewatching it many years later, it has lost some of its luster, but still is quite enjoyable.  The constant cheesy gags become annoying, and Chandler becomes insufferable.  But those are small complaints for a certified banger of a movie.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 7/10

Susie Wilson plays Chandler's girlfriend who is naked and passed out when we meet her.  After being moved around she eventually wakes up - providing a pretty nice boobs scene.  This is the only IMDb credit for Wilson.

Esther Elise strips down to her panties and seductively poses with a baseball bat.  Elise was in an episode Reading Rainbow called "A Chair for My Mother". 

Michelle Bauer's scene where she strips to Elvis then whips out her chainsaw has to be one of the greatest in B-movie history.  I remember watching this scene on video and being absolutely gobsmacked.